Funeral of a cardiologist This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral? I'm a gynecologist." The Priest fainted.
Romantic Evening!!! Two Women chatting in office. Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours? Woman 2: It was a disaster.. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep. How was yours ? Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour.. When we came home he lit the candles around the house. It was like a fairy tale! At the same time, their husbands are talking at work. Husband 1: How was your evening ? Husband 2: Great... I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. What about you ? Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that i didn't had money left for a cab. We walked home which took an hour and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!! Moral: Presentation does matter... No matter what the reality is.
Skiing Backwards A lady went skiing and halfway down the hill had to go to the bathroom. No facilities nearby, she found a sheltered area, dropped her pants and proceeded to relieve herself. Suddenly she found herself beginning to slide backwards, out into the open and down the slope with her pants around her knees. She crashed and broke her leg. The paramedics rushed her to the local hospital. The doctor walked into her room, laughing hysterically The Women asked the reason for this. "You're not going to believe this, but the guy in the next room claims he fell off the ski lift and broke his leg because he saw a naked lady skiing backwards down the mountain!" "So, how did you break YOUR leg??"
A classic Tommy Cooper gag ?I said to the Gym instructor ?Can you teach me to do the splits?? He said, ?How flexible are you?? I said, ?I can?t make Tuesdays?
Old man and his memories An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth. He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said: "May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college." A young man opened the door and let him in. The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything. He said, "The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed." When examining it he found a young girl under the bed. The young man got alarmed and said, "Don't mistake me. She is my cousin. She dropped her earring and is searching for it." The old man said, "And the same old story!!
Catching gorilla A man wakes up one morning and found a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an advert for "Gorilla Catchers" He calls the number, and the gorilla cathcer, Santa, says he will be over in 30 minutes. Santa arrives within 30 minutes and gets out of his van. He's got a LADDER, a BASEBALL BAT, a SHOTGUN and a HUGE DOG. "What are you going to do", the house owner asks? Santa said, "I'm going to put this LADDER up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this BASEBALL BAT. When the gorilla falls off, the DOG is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the house owner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the house owner. Santa replies, "If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, SHOOT THE DOG."
Secret of a long life The little boy was sitting on a park bench munching on one chocolate bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all those chocolates isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat." The boy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.' The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 chocolate bars at a time?" The little boy answered, "No, he minded his own damn business!"
Who kept you away from heaven? An elderly couple died in a car crash. She was 82 and he was 87 years old. While alive, the wife had always been very health conscious regarding what they ate. When they arrived at heaven they were shown to a luxurious accommodation. There was a garden and a professional standard golf course. At the far side of the golf course was the Club house serving free food and drinks 24 hours a day. The club also accomodated satellite TV, snooker tables and cabaret entertainment. A short stroll from the club house was a never-ending golden beach which was always well attended by lovely bronzed naked women. The man turned to his wife and said, "You dozy cow... if it wasn't for you and your bloody health food I could have been here 20 years ago!"
What is my problem doctor? A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?" Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
Diet of a blonde There was blonde who wanted to go on a diet. She went to the doctor and asked for his advice. He said that she was going to go on a diet for three days "Eat anything and everything you want for the first two days of your diet. Then skip the third day." So the blonde went home and ate anything and everything she wanted for the first two days, then she skipped the third day. The next day she went back to the doctor and he asked her, "How is your diet?" She said, "Well, the first two days were easy but that third day was hard. Doing all that skipping made me really tired."
The golden saloon A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where in tarnation have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - heck, even the urinal's gold!" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!"
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" The old man "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?" "Twenty-six," he said.
Texting The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you. The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back: I'm on the toilet. Please advise.
The Psychiatrist And The Proctologist Best friends graduating from medical school at the same time decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it. The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics - no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives - thumbs down again. Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons - forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.
Every woman is going to love this joke Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.'' A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear. I am wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding...''
How are kids born? A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: "You've Got Male!"
Impressing the beauty Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them ?The first one who can use the words ?liver? and ?cheese? together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.? The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says ?I love liver and cheese.? ?Oh, how childish,? said the Poodle. ?That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.? She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said ?How well can you do?? ?Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,? blurts the Golden Retriever. ?My, my,? said the Poodle. ?I guess it?s hopeless. That?s just as dumb as the Lab?s sentence.? She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, ?How about you, little guy?? The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says... ?Liver alone. Cheese mine.?
What it feels like A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
Memory loss Several days ago as she left a meeting at a hotel, she desperately gave herself a personal TSA pat down. She said, I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all,"Honey," I stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.) "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen." There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!! Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said,"Well, come and get me." He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."
